Advocating for Our Kinship Kids in School
Becky Schmidgall, Kinship Family Facilitator
October is National Bullying Prevention month. In recognition of this, our team felt it was fitting to have a discussion surrounding advocacy for the children in our care, specifically how we as caregivers can support them in school- academically and socially.
Elementary, middle and high school are years of foundational social experiences that can color how an individual feels about the world around them for the rest of their life. If academics and/or social situations are a challenge, a child can internalize those feelings and take them into adulthood. But if we are present and consistently support our kiddos through these turbulent experiences, they can learn that they are capable of navigating the storms of life with confidence and courage.
When we find out our child is the target of bullying or is struggling academically, our first instinct may be to go into mama/papa bear mode and defend our sweet cub. But for kinship kids, it is equally important that before we take any action, we take a moment to connect with them first. Perhaps you say, “I’m so glad you felt brave enough to share this with me; that must be really hard.” or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I want you to know that we will work through this together.” Even minor playground disagreements can feel world-crushing to young children still learning to navigate friendships, so as the bigger, stronger, wiser adult, it is important that we validate how they’re feeling in the moment. This is the first step to helping empower our children to advocate for themselves.
Taking a beat before responding is also beneficial for you. When we are faced with a threat, whether real or perceived, the part of our brain that becomes activated is our amygdala. The amygdala is in charge of helping us survive. When our amygdala is activated, our prefrontal cortex- the part of our brain responsible for critical thinking and rational decision making- essentially “shuts off.” We go into survival mode and are not capable of thinking clearly. If we want to support our child in a way that is effective and doesn’t damage relationships, we need to be in a regulated state where we can make sound decisions. Utilize self-care strategies such as deep breathing, grounding techniques, stepping outside, splashing water on your face, or repeating an affirmation to help calm your nervous system. Once you can respond with intention and care, you’ll be able to provide the best support for your child.
It’s likely you’ll need other adults in the school to come alongside you in advocating for your kid. If it’s an academic issue, reaching out to a classroom teacher or guidance counselor may be the first step. They may be able to identify the severity of the difficulty. Is this something that can be helped with some extra time during the teacher’s after school hours, or is this an ongoing issue that warrants more interventions? If this is a social issue, the classroom teacher may include other adults in the conversation, such as P.E. or art teachers, who sometimes see more social interactions between students. If it has escalated to disciplinary issues, the school deans or vice principal may become involved. Keep in mind that, while these are professionals with expertise in educating children, you are the #1 expert at knowing your child best. Do your best to balance your respect for their opinions with standing firm in what you know about your child. Saying things like, “I really appreciate your insight; what are your thoughts on this situation for children who have experienced trauma?” or “I agree that ___. I worry though, with my child’s different abilities, are we setting her up for success?”
Keep in mind that, while context is important, not everyone should be privy to your child’s family history or personal experiences. Yes, perhaps your child has an extensive trauma history that results in him/her responding differently than their peers in social situations. Or perhaps your child is neurodivergent or has a mental health diagnosis that creates daily social challenges for them. Perhaps your child has physical or cognitive disabilities and they do not have the ability to self-regulate or look the same as their peers. These are all important parts of who your child is… AND not every person should know every detail. As their caregiver, it is your responsibility to practice discernment in determining who needs to know what information. It may feel awkward to withhold information, but quite frankly, as a caregiver, you are the gatekeeper of this minor’s private information. For a moment, consider how it might feel to have someone else in charge of all your personal history, medical information, family history, mental and physical health diagnoses, and academic history. How would you want that person to care for this information? Not every person is worthy of trusting with this information. You have every right to be protective, and to use blanket statements such as: “To respect my child’s privacy, I won’t get into details, but she has been through a lot in her life and we have been working hard on xyz behaviors.”
Be solution-focused. The point of advocacy is not to air grievances or place blame; it is to make change happen. Come to discussions with suggestions and a willingness to troubleshoot and brainstorm. Be open to trying new approaches to what’s going on, academically and/or socially. And talk with your child about having this same growth mindset. Working together for positive change can be an extremely empowering experience for both you and your child, an experience that can help your relationship to flourish and help your child to thrive.
If you’re looking for more specific information about IEPs and 504s, we have two blog posts from a series on this topic from Fall 2023. Check them out here!
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