Ambiguous Loss and Your Identity
Becky Schmidgall, Kinship Family Group Facilitator
Chances are, prior to your kiddos being placed in your care, you may not have anticipated what life would be like in your present situation. Perhaps you had been focused on your career, your relationship with a significant other, or your other children. Whether or not you were at a point where you felt like you had things “figured out,” receiving a call from someone asking you to care for a child/children understandably changes everything, and can leave you feeling scattered.
You answered that call. You said yes. And things- whether you intended them to or not- began to change. Some of the families who have joined our Kinship Dinners in the past have shared their experiences about the life changes they encountered upon becoming a kinship caregiver:
Loss or change of identity
Transition from grandma to “mom”
Change in the relationship with the child in their care (no longer the “fun uncle”)
Change in the relationship with biological parents
Future dreams had to change
Retirement plans
Dating/relationships
Grieving the loss of parts of their lives (ambiguous loss)
Helping the children placed in their home grieve the loss of a “typical” life with bio mom/dad
Helping their own kids process through what life looks like now with additional children in the home
Considering adoption/permanent change
Struggling with guilt or resentment that this is the direction their life took
Many kinship caregivers, like you, didn’t have the luxury of making the decision to become a foster parent. You didn’t have the opportunity to plan ahead, to make arrangements in your work schedule, prepare your existing children or family members for new kiddos, or prepare your own hearts and minds for what this change would bring.
At the same time, the people in your life may have had a very difficult time understanding what you were going through, and may not have acted with the most compassion. We see you, friend. Your feelings are valid. The changes and losses you have experienced are real and can be devastating at times.
The following are a few questions for you to meditate on, perhaps journal about, or talk through with people you trust.
Is there one change or loss you’ve experienced since becoming a kinship caregiver that feels particularly bothersome for you? Dig into this a bit. What feels the most bothersome about it? Is there some message (hint: it’s likely something unkind) you are telling yourself that is attached to this change?
How can you create space for the grieving process as you work through the ambiguous losses you have experienced? What does this look like, practically?
What have you done in the past when you experienced a significant loss? Was it helpful? If so- could you do this now to work through what you’re currently struggling with?
What is one step you can take this week towards embracing your identity? How can you grow in self-compassion and taking care of yourself well (mentally, physically, spiritually)?
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