The Impact of Trauma on Felt Safety: How to Recognize and Cope
Becky Schmidgall, Kinship Group Facilitator
Summer vacation is in full swing here in Tucson, and while many children bask in the glory of freedom from school schedules, kids in kinship care often have very different experiences. The lack of a predictable, daily routine can bring up feelings of fear and a lack of safety for these children. But why?
Why do kids thrive with routines?
Routines create a sense of predictability, security, and therefore, control.
Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., a Pediatric Neuropsychologist explains that “the belief that one's surroundings are stable and predictable… allows individuals to plan for the future and take calculated risks… Control…provides a sense of agency and the ability to cope with life's challenges. When individuals feel out of control, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and a reduced capacity to manage stress.”
Kate Truitt, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist and Applied Neuroscientist, states: “Structure gives the brain and body a predictable framework. Within that framework, safety can begin to grow. And from that safety, resilience has room to emerge.”
So what happens when routines go away?
For some, the loss of a predictable routine may feel like a loss of control, and for those with a history of trauma, this can result in symptoms of trauma emerging.
Dr. Truitt explains, “When someone has lived through chaos, structure can feel like oxygen. For survivors of trauma… life may have felt unpredictable for a very long time. The body remembers that unpredictability, and the nervous system stays alert, always scanning for the next danger. Even after the immediate threat is gone, that internal state of alertness can remain. This is where structure becomes not just helpful, but healing. The trauma-impacted brain craves consistency. It is soothed by patterns. It relaxes when it knows what to expect. That is why even small, predictable routines can create powerful shifts in the nervous system. They send signals to the brain that say, you are safe now. You can rest.”
What is “felt safety?”
“Felt safety” is an emotional experience, subjective to the person. For example, one person may feel completely safe in an elevator or looking out the window at the top of a tall building. Yet these scenarios may make another person feel extremely unsafe. For survivors of trauma, even the most objectively safe situation of summer vacation at home can feel extremely unsafe and unpredictable.
How can I tell if a child in my care is feeling unsafe?
Oftentimes, their behaviors will be the first sign, rather than their spoken words to you. Change in appetite, change in sleep patterns, change in mood or behavior towards you or others, developmental regression, and/or unexplained medical symptoms are some of the most common signs that something is bothering your child.
What can I do to help my child when there’s a lack of routine?
Dr. Truitt suggests instilling small, predictable routines and rituals throughout your days, such as bedtimes, wake times, meal times, listening to calming music or drinking warm tea at certain times each day, practicing grounding techniques or deep breathing together. Alternatively, Dr. Goldstein emphasizes connecting with support groups, engaging in therapy, and practicing self-care. He also encourages folks to set goals and feel empowered to make decisions. This sense of empowerment can bolster one’s self-esteem and felt safety.
For children, this might look like playing or reading with friends or loved ones, completing age-appropriate chores at home, trying a new skill, or being given choices throughout their day. Even children as young as 18 months can “help” around the house and experience feeling empowered, with the coaching and guidance of their caregiver.
Lexie Manion, a mental health advocate and survivor of childhood trauma, lists a number of practical strategies she has found helpful in re-establishing felt safety:
Saying “I am safe” or another affirmation
Visualizing a safe place
Grounding techniques
Paced breathing
Smelling essential oils
Is it misbehavior or a trauma response?
Unfortunately, children's trauma responses are often misinterpreted as “misbehaviors.” As caregivers, it’s challenging to tell the difference. Especially when these behaviors can be explosive and disruptive, our natural reaction is often to respond immediately with discipline. However, if we are observing a specific behavior occurring repeatedly, and our interventions and guidance don’t seem to be making a difference, it may be prudent to take a step back, consider our child’s history, and give yourself an opportunity to be curious about what’s happening.
Whether in the moment or later that day, once you and your child have had a chance to become emotionally regulated, try asking your child about how they were feeling in that moment. Use a “feelings wheel” to help them identify specific feelings, and use open-ended questions (not yes/no) to dig a little deeper. Resist the urge to jump into advice-giving. Often children just need a safe landing place and a listening ear. Most importantly, do your best to react and respond without judgment. This will take some practice, so give yourself some grace as you build this skill. But trust that, even if your child appears resistant, they do genuinely want to connect with you and they want your attention and time. At the end of your conversation, thank your child for sharing with you.
You won’t get it right every time. None of us do. Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. And our children don’t need perfect parents; they need present parents who love them.
